


Good Enough

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge [17]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Grief/Mourning, Jealousy, M/M, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Puppy Love, Warning just in case, underage crushes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 09:18:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10568289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: More missing gaps from Poe Dameron and Ben Solo's relationship.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Angst
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

1\. There are times when Ben can't help but feel safer at Poe's family instead of with his family, and it's true mostly because of what he senses from them.  
  
Ben's still young, only four, but he can feel the sort of safety and warmth that comes from the Damerons. No fights about Leaving, nothing like that. They just love each other and are comfortable with each other. There are times when Ben wishes that there was something like that at home, instead of Mommy and Daddy fighting so much.  
  
Sometimes Ben wonders if it's his fault. Mommy and Daddy say it isn't, but still...if he behaves better, will Mommy and Daddy not be so scared all the time? He can definitely pick up on what they're feeling and thinking. Something about Credits and Pro-vi-ding and things like that, and Ben can't get rid of the feeling like it's all his fault.  
  
2\. After Mrs. Dameron's death, Poe seems to be fine on the surface, but Ben can feel that he's worried. Wondering as well. About the matter of death, how it applies to him, if someone else is next, if it was his fault somehow, even though Poe hadn't done anything wrong. Ben likes to think that even though her body's been buried, the part that was vibrant and alive and kind and funny is still in the Force, watching over them.  
  
3\. One of the benefits of keeping in touch with Poe is going to the comm and contacting him when things get bad. He can talk to Poe about anything -- bullies, teachers, holobooks, anything -- or even go over to his house. He still hangs out with Thomas and Annie, of course; they and Poe seem to form a bit of an informal group. Ben finds that even though Poe's getting older and Cooler, he still somehow thinks Ben's a good kid and likes hanging out with him. It always warms Ben just to hear it from Poe, that somehow Poe likes having him around. Even when he's nine and Poe's twelve, somehow, Poe doesn't mind his company. He's glad. Sometimes he feels like he's some sort of bother, some sort of nuisance. He doesn't want to be that.  
  
4\. It's when he's sixteen he realizes he's in love with Poe. He's been trying to put a label to his strange, fluttery feelings that he gets around Poe, and he's found them. He's in love. In love with Poe's kindness, in love with his humor, in love with his beauty, in love with just about everything about him. And Ben knows that Poe will never look his way. He's not hideous, but he's not as smooth and refined as Poe seems to be. It's a strange thing to think about, but there he is. Wondering if Poe ever could look his way, or if he has more of a chance of having a speeder fall out of the sky than having Poe notice him.  
  
5\. He shouldn't get jealous. Attachment makes you greedy, the Code says, and Ben doesn't want to be greedy, not in the slightest. And yet he can't help but get jealous even watching Poe flirt with other men and women. He can't describe it besides wanting Poe to talk to him the way he talks to the other pilots. To give him that sort of grin, those sorts of words. He wants Poe to keep looking at him like he's beautiful and precious, to make him laugh all but nonstop. Then again, no wonder Poe doesn't look his way. Poe's so beautiful, and Ben...Ben is so awkward. And besides, the Order is still split down the middle about even dating, so... It doesn't stop Ben from daydreaming, though. He daydreams about Poe holding him stolen kisses in the Yavin jungle, holding hands (and for a moment, Ben's hands don't seem as awkward and huge), dancing together or climbing the Force sensitive tree. Ben's what-ifs are plentiful, and they momentarily numb Ben to reality, to jealousy.  
  
6\. Ben gets older, and he evens out a bit, and there's something about Poe's boyfriend Daniel that really is unnerving. He can't put his finger on it, but he just has this _feeling_ that Daniel's bad for Poe. Or maybe it's his jealousy talking, but even Daniel's thoughts seem to hum with sheer wrongness. He's shallow. It's Poe's status as a pilot for the Republic he loves so much. He doesn't know about Poe's other wonderful qualities, about the smile he has that could outshine the stars, or his way of seeing the good in everyone. "Pilot for the Republic" is all he sees.  
  
7\. When Poe's twenty-one, Ben is there to comfort him after Daniel breaks up with Poe. He brings over the first season of _Coruscant Knights_ and the pair of them sit in front of the Holonet even as Ben looks over at Poe. Stars, even in nothing but loose black pants and a white shirt, Poe's beautiful. And his light -- Ben never wants to see anyone put out that light, even temporarily. It only makes him despise Daniel even more. How can he? They sit together, watching the adventures of Metani Grayson and her friends, the Coruscant Knights, play out on the holoscreen. So far, Metani has been tracking a masked serial killer like in one of those slasher holos Ben watched at fifteen out of sheer curiosity. And Poe -- Poe is currently rambling on the inside.  
  
_where did I go wrong was I not good enough for him why why why_  
  
Ben reached over and takes Poe's hand. Their breaths hitch, and Ben realizes that he's already too close. Jedi...can they fall in love? Can they even date? Stars knows that Ben loves Poe, desires him, but could they ever be together? And would Poe ever feel the same way?  
  
8.When Poe reciprocates, it feels like a splash of light in his galaxy, but it doesn't mean that feelings of guilt over Thomas don't creep into Ben's nightmares, even into some stuff during the day. A wrong word or so and Ben feels as if he's back on that torture rack, listening to his friends be tortured down the hall. Poe tries to reassure him, of course.  
  
"It's normal after trauma, Ben," he says. "Don't beat yourself up over it."  
  
"I..." Ben doesn't know what he's going to say next.  
  
Poe kisses him. It's tender, soft, and Poe's lips are so sweet. "It's normal," he says, gently, softly, and Ben can feel Poe's familiar compassion shelter him just for the moment.  
  
9\. He shelters Poe in turn when the nightmares start, running a hand through his hair until he falls asleep. Just touching Poe, comforting him, is enough to make Ben feel at least somewhat useful. One night, just looking down at Poe as he sleeps, he's struck by how peaceful Poe looks and how innocent, and so lovely that it makes his heart ache. He settles down on an elbow just to watch Poe sleep some more, watching the rise and fall of his soft breathing, and the warmth of his body.  
  
"I love you." he says, his voice no more than a whisper in the darkness. "I love you so much."  
  
Even those words...he can't help but wonder, is he good enough for Poe as well? Ben knows he'd do anything to make him happy. To keep him safe. He can only hope that it's enough.  
  
10\. He hopes he is enough, in truth. He wants to be. He's always loved Poe; it's just a miracle that Poe loves him in turn. Poe does seem to feel the same way, as if the idea of Ben loving him back is a miracle. He can only hope that he is enough. That he's kind enough, good enough -- especially good enough.  
  
The idea of not being good enough brings up too many painful memories from growing up, and even some wounds in the present that are still bleeding.  
  
And Poe is almost too good for him, too sweet, too Light. He's more than good enough. The question Ben still has is _Am I?_  
  
_Am I good enough for you?_


End file.
